My boss' voice literally gives me gas
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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