first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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