I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
