it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
