Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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