My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Alive.
So much puke
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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