Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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