I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
