I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
