Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize