i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
