Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
