I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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