I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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