you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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