I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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