where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
