I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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