Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
