highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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