According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
