I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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