How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I am naked and annoyed.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
