I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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