life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
