Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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