Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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