I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
