i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
