I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
