Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
