why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
