I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
