Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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