I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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