I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
pray to the hookup gods
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
