just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
