Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
