i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
