Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize