OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
