I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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