you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
