Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
