Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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