Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
