Acid is not a monday night drug
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This baby is an asshole
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
