Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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