We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
