the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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