my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
