better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
