I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
pop tarts are not kleenex
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
me + whiskey = a bad person
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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