I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
