I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize