I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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